In a long-term intimate relationship, you strive to be on the same page as your partner when it comes to things like chores, planning and \u2014 most importantly \u2014 money. But what happens when your significant other gets into debt and doesn\u2019t tell you? <\/p>\n\n\n\n
The good news is that it doesn\u2019t have to be the end of trust or your financial future. This guide walks you through what to do next, step by step.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Spending money \u2014 especially if it\u2019s from a joint account <\/a>\u2014 and leaving a mess behind can be shocking, enraging and leave you feeling confused. And that\u2019s normal: When a loved one obscures the truth, it can be immensely difficult to regain trust and move forward together. You\u2019re well within your rights to feel how you feel right now, next week or a year from now. But to start solving the problem, you first need to take a deep breath, pause and assess. <\/p>\n\n\n\n It\u2019s imperative to not make big decisions while emotions are high. You don\u2019t need to fix everything \u2014 but you do need your partner to feel comfortable disclosing the extent of the problem. Avoid canceling joint accounts out of panic, making threats, attacking their choices or yelling, blaming or shutting down. Taking a breath now can lead to a much more productive conversation later.<\/p>\n\n\n\n When you’re ready and your partner is available for a long talk, sit down and ask to discuss what you found. Keep your tone calm and your words clear \u2014 don\u2019t forget to use \u201cI\u201d statements to prevent slipping into judgement and accusations. Remember, this isn\u2019t about catching them in a lie: It\u2019s about understanding the full picture.<\/p>\n\n\n\n When you\u2019re in conversation, be sure to focus on what kind of debt they took on, when it started and why they didn\u2019t tell you. Don\u2019t have your phone out and minimize distractions \u2014 your attention will set the tone for the conversation. <\/p>\n\n\n\n No one likes feeling shame, so try to make this conversation productive and fact-based. The more your partner realizes that you\u2019re not going to be aggressively confrontational, the more they may let down their guard and open up. Don\u2019t focus on the relationship implications of their debt yet, if you can help it \u2014 you\u2019ll make better decisions about what you want going forward when you have more information at your disposal. <\/p>\n\n\n\n The goal is to stay focused on facts and move toward solutions. If you feel too upset to have the talk calmly, wait a day or two before starting it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Just because your partner has debt doesn\u2019t mean you\u2019re automatically responsible for it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n There are two kinds of debt: joint and individual. Joint debt, like a shared credit card or loan, means both of you are legally responsible. Individual debt (in your partner\u2019s name only) usually doesn\u2019t affect your credit, unless you co-signed.<\/p>\n\n\n\n But there\u2019s also what\u2019s fair, not just what\u2019s legal. Even if the debt is in their name, it might affect your shared life, especially if it changes how much they can contribute to the household.<\/p>\n\n\n\n #1: Check your own credit report at AnnualCreditReport.com<\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n #2: Ask your partner to pull theirs, too<\/p>\n\n\n\n #3: Look through mail, email and other private communications channels to find shared accounts or surprises you didn\u2019t know about<\/p>\n\n\n\n This will help you understand what you’re truly connected to and what you’re not \u2014 and may uncover any additional omissions by your significant other.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Once you know the facts, you can decide how to move forward. This part will look different for every couple, but the most important thing is to rebuild trust.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Try putting systems in place that make it harder to keep secrets in the future, like monthly check-ins to talk about money or even downloading an app to track spending and shared accounts. In some cases, it might make sense to keep finances separate for a while. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Again, it\u2019s normal and understandable if you feel hurt by your partner\u2019s actions. If discussions between the two of you aren\u2019t going anywhere, it might be time to look into couples\u2019 therapy \u2014 or a separation. <\/p>\n\n\n\n If you\u2019re not sure whether you\u2019re at risk, you should work on protecting yourself now. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Start by freezing your credit reports to stop new accounts from being opened without your consent \u2014 you can request this through the three major credit reporting agencies, Equifax<\/a>, Experian<\/a> or TransUnion<\/a>. After, set up credit monitoring alerts through a trusted service so you get notified of any new activity.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Now that you\u2019ve got your credit locked down, create your own emergency fund<\/a> (if you don\u2019t already have one). This is also a good moment to review all shared accounts and decide if any need to be paused, closed or converted to individual.<\/p>\n\n\n\n If legal issues are involved or you\u2019re feeling unsure about how to separate financial responsibilities, you may want to speak to an attorney who focuses on family finance. And remember: Financial abuse<\/a> is still abuse. Do not hesitate to reach out to a domestic violence resource locally or nationally<\/a> to get support.\u00a0\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n If the debt your partner has taken on is now affecting your household budget \u2014 or if the two of you are trying to pay off several unsecured balances at once \u2014 debt consolidation<\/a> should be your next move. Accredited Debt Relief can help you save 40% or more on eligible monthly bills, and help you get debt-free in as little as 24-48 months. <\/p>\n\n\n\nStart an Honest Conversation<\/h2>\n\n\n\n
Learn What\u2019s Yours vs. Theirs<\/h2>\n\n\n\n
Basic Debt Detective Checklist<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
Make a Plan to Move Forward<\/h2>\n\n\n\n
Take Steps to Protect Yourself<\/h2>\n\n\n\n
When Debt Consolidation Makes Things Simpler<\/h2>\n\n\n\n
Want to learn more? Our experts can help.<\/h3>\n\n\n