I’ve spent a good part of my career writing and speaking about how to talk to younger generations about money, including my most recent book, “Launching Financial Grownups: Live Your Richest Life by Helping Your (Almost) Adult Kids Become Everyday Money Smart.” But the reality is that talking to the older generation is equally important.
Why We Don’t Ask
We tend to assume our kids need our guidance about money, and usually they do. But we also assume our parents have it handled. Most of us don’t give it much thought, believing their decades of life experience, and the fact that they raised us, means they know what they are doing.
Many of us also feel their finances aren’t any of our business, even though we are likely some of the biggest stakeholders in their financial wellness. I’m not talking about some magical inheritance that needs to be protected. I’m talking about being in the mix should they run into money trouble. We may not be legally obligated to step in, but if the relationship is strong, we would want to help, or at least want to know where they can get help.
About half of the states actually do have laws on the books that could require an adult child to help pay for a parent’s care costs, for things like unpaid nursing home bills. This is rarely enforced, and they don’t exist at the federal level. For debts like credit cards children do not owe money or inherit the debts.
Why This Conversation Is So Hard
Talking to your aging parents about money, and especially debt with all its negative connotations, is sensitive. It challenges existing dynamics. Parents are used to controlling the narrative and setting a good example for their children. For close to two decades, they were managing your life, so turning the focus onto them can be extremely uncomfortable for both generations. It can make them feel ashamed and embarrassed in front of the people they most want to see them as a role model. No matter how old a child gets, most parents still feel it is their job to protect their kids. Admitting they need help goes directly against that mindset.
For the adult kids, it is a different kind of discomfort. You may be guessing at numbers they don’t want to reveal, or only partially reveal. You don’t want to undermine their authority or make them feel like they have let you down. You may be ready to help, but know they will never ask for it and will be reluctant to accept it.
All of these feelings are valid, but they don’t solve the problem or move the family to a healthier money situation.
My friend Cameron Huddleston wrote the book “Mom and Dad, We Need to Talk” after her own mother was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s at 65. Cameron found herself scrambling to figure out her mom’s finances. The lesson: don’t wait for a crisis to be the reason to have this conversation. Think of this as a family financial ecosystem that needs to be understood, clarified and managed on a regular basis.
How To Start a Financial Conversation With Aging Parents
- Pay attention to behaviour. You don’t need to see a bank statement to know that something is off. For example: is there unopened mail piling up? Maybe there is tension between your parents when something money related comes up. They could be very vague when you casually mention something related to an expense, or something they may be putting off spending money on. This could be a sign of avoidance.
- Be intentional with your timing. Try to pick a low stakes moment to talk about money. That means keeping it festive at the family holiday dinner, and looking for a time when there is a private one-on-one moment. One strategy: offer to accompany them on an errand so you can have some time alone in the car or on the walk over.
- Have a conversation, not an interview. Instead of asking them questions that can get one word answers like “are you in debt”, try to start a conversion. You might bring up something you observed, like noting that the mail is piling up with unopened bills. You can ask what is going on, and follow up more directly.
- Don’t undermine their independence. Offer to look over their finances together. Going through the numbers together will likely give them some comfort that you aren’t going to just take it all over and treat them like a child.
- Keep it about them. Don’t assume you will be on the hook for their financial missteps. In almost every case that won’t happen. That will avoid panic on your part, and help you focus on problem solving, and keeping emotions in check so you can work towards realistic solutions. It’s a fine line to manage this shift of figuring out how to help, without taking over.
If this all feels overwhelming for both generations, that’s not a reason to give up. But it is a reason to consider talking to a debt consolidation specialist from Accredited Debt Relief. They can help your parents understand what options exist, without the emotional baggage that can weigh on a parent-child conversation without the support they can provide.
What if they still won’t talk about it?”
In most cases this is tied to a genuine belief that they can still handle it themselves the way they always have. It also may be shame and embarrassment. Reassurance can be a way to make some progress. Consider saying something that will create space for them to be more open. You might say something like “I just want to make sure you are ok, and that you know you can talk to me about this.” If they still won’t open up, try getting them to do even the smallest thing with you there, like looking at one bill or statement to get a sense of what’s going on. It can feel overwhelming to try to go over everything they owe all at once.
What debts could you be responsible for?
If you have co-signed on a loan or jointly hold an account, you can and likely will be held accountable for any debt. If you are gifted or inherit a home with a mortgage, you will be required to take on the payments if you want to keep that house. That said, if there are debts at the time of a parent’s death, the estate will pay those taxes as part of the probate process. If the estate can’t pay an unsecured debt, like a credit card, it is usually written off and not passed down to you. In other words, a debt collector cannot legally require you to pay your parent’s debt out of your own pocket just because you are their child.
Frequently Asked Questions About Aging Parents with Debt
What should I do if I find out my elderly parent has credit card debt? I want to fix it. Should I just pay it off? Don’t rush into anything until you understand the entire picture. Ask what they owe, to whom they owe it and the interest rate. Try to see the actual documentation either on paper or if you can, ideally, online so it is fully up to date. Make sure it is accurate. Many seniors are the victims of scams and there could be errors of fraud in the mix. Be prepared to be their advocate and dispute those charges. Then, look at realistic options together including a structured debt relief plan before assuming the only solution is for you to cover it yourself.
How do I bring up debt without offending a parent? Take a nuanced but specific approach. You don’t want them to get defensive and feel like their competence is being questioned. Consider bringing up something you observed and ask them questions about the situation. Be careful and intentional with your tone of voice. How we speak and communicate can be more important than the actual words we use. You might even want to rehearse how this conversation might go and do some role play in advance.
How do I protect my own finances from my parents’ debts? In most cases, they are protected by default in that their debts are not legally your debts. That said, there is more than the numbers at stake here. You may feel you ‘owe’ it to your parents to help them out financially. Those feelings are valid. But there are usually much better solutions than simply bailing them out. That’s why talking to someone at Accredited Debt Relief sooner rather than later can make sense.
The information on this site is provided as a general resource and does not constitute legal, tax or financial advice. For guidance specific to your situation, we recommend consulting a qualified professional.