In a long-term intimate relationship, you strive to be on the same page as your partner when it comes to things like chores, planning and — most importantly — money. But what happens when your significant other gets into debt and doesn’t tell you?
The good news is that it doesn’t have to be the end of trust or your financial future. This guide walks you through what to do next, step by step.
Before You React
Spending money — especially if it’s from a joint account — and leaving a mess behind can be shocking, enraging and leave you feeling confused. And that’s normal: When a loved one obscures the truth, it can be immensely difficult to regain trust and move forward together. You’re well within your rights to feel how you feel right now, next week or a year from now. But to start solving the problem, you first need to take a deep breath, pause and assess.
It’s imperative to not make big decisions while emotions are high. You don’t need to fix everything — but you do need your partner to feel comfortable disclosing the extent of the problem. Avoid canceling joint accounts out of panic, making threats, attacking their choices or yelling, blaming or shutting down. Taking a breath now can lead to a much more productive conversation later.
Start an Honest Conversation
When you’re ready and your partner is available for a long talk, sit down and ask to discuss what you found. Keep your tone calm and your words clear — don’t forget to use “I” statements to prevent slipping into judgement and accusations. Remember, this isn’t about catching them in a lie: It’s about understanding the full picture.
When you’re in conversation, be sure to focus on what kind of debt they took on, when it started and why they didn’t tell you. Don’t have your phone out and minimize distractions — your attention will set the tone for the conversation.
No one likes feeling shame, so try to make this conversation productive and fact-based. The more your partner realizes that you’re not going to be aggressively confrontational, the more they may let down their guard and open up. Don’t focus on the relationship implications of their debt yet, if you can help it — you’ll make better decisions about what you want going forward when you have more information at your disposal.
The goal is to stay focused on facts and move toward solutions. If you feel too upset to have the talk calmly, wait a day or two before starting it.
Learn What’s Yours vs. Theirs
Just because your partner has debt doesn’t mean you’re automatically responsible for it.
There are two kinds of debt: joint and individual. Joint debt, like a shared credit card or loan, means both of you are legally responsible. Individual debt (in your partner’s name only) usually doesn’t affect your credit, unless you co-signed.
But there’s also what’s fair, not just what’s legal. Even if the debt is in their name, it might affect your shared life, especially if it changes how much they can contribute to the household.
Basic Debt Detective Checklist
#1: Check your own credit report at AnnualCreditReport.com
#2: Ask your partner to pull theirs, too
#3: Look through mail, email and other private communications channels to find shared accounts or surprises you didn’t know about
This will help you understand what you’re truly connected to and what you’re not — and may uncover any additional omissions by your significant other.
Make a Plan to Move Forward
Once you know the facts, you can decide how to move forward. This part will look different for every couple, but the most important thing is to rebuild trust.
Try putting systems in place that make it harder to keep secrets in the future, like monthly check-ins to talk about money or even downloading an app to track spending and shared accounts. In some cases, it might make sense to keep finances separate for a while.
Again, it’s normal and understandable if you feel hurt by your partner’s actions. If discussions between the two of you aren’t going anywhere, it might be time to look into couples’ therapy — or a separation.
Take Steps to Protect Yourself
If you’re not sure whether you’re at risk, you should work on protecting yourself now.
Start by freezing your credit reports to stop new accounts from being opened without your consent — you can request this through the three major credit reporting agencies, Equifax, Experian or TransUnion. After, set up credit monitoring alerts through a trusted service so you get notified of any new activity.
Now that you’ve got your credit locked down, create your own emergency fund (if you don’t already have one). This is also a good moment to review all shared accounts and decide if any need to be paused, closed or converted to individual.
If legal issues are involved or you’re feeling unsure about how to separate financial responsibilities, you may want to speak to an attorney who focuses on family finance. And remember: Financial abuse is still abuse. Do not hesitate to reach out to a domestic violence resource locally or nationally to get support.
When Debt Consolidation Makes Things Simpler
If the debt your partner has taken on is now affecting your household budget — or if the two of you are trying to pay off several unsecured balances at once — debt consolidation should be your next move. Accredited Debt Relief can help you save 40% or more on eligible monthly bills, and help you get debt-free in as little as 24-48 months.